Yesterday I posted a tweet about an upcoming photography exhibition where some of my work will be shown. I mentioned that I will not be speaking at the show opening because I just can’t handle it. I was asked why and answered honestly and bluntly: because of severe social anxiety, who knows why, I wish it wasn’t so.
This prompted one person to privately message me saying I just need to get out of my comfort zone.
Now this isn’t something I haven’t heard many times before. This isn’t new to anyone with social anxiety, depression or any other sort of mental health issues.
This post isn’t aimed at that person, at all, but that message pushed me to write this post.
I have been very open about this in interviews and on my social media sites. It’s not something I’m ashamed of or find embarrassing and no one should! It’s just what it is. We’re all different and that’s good.
My journey in photography/art is probably very similar to those of many others.
You see, mental health issues are very common in creative people. Why is this? I don’t know, I’m no expert but I can speak for myself and based on the response to posts I’ve written about this in the past, I’m far from alone.
I started photographing as a form of therapy, a way to be in the moment, to force myself to really take in my surroundings, to notice things I hadn’t seen before and appreciate the immense amount of beauty we pass by every single day.
This started after I had been suffering from severe anxiety, depression and eating disorders for years, been on medication and then admitted to a treatment centre for months.
Creativity reduces anxiety, depression and stress.
Whether it’s writing, painting, playing an instrument, creating sculptures, knitting or photography, it will make an actual difference in you. This is not hocus pocus, it’s just how we’re made and there is plenty of research to support it.
Maybe this is why so many of us with mental health issues find ourselves in creative fields. Doing these things releases dopamine, our own natural antidepressants.
Living with these issues is a constant challenge, trust me, if we could just “get out of our comfort zones” we’d do it in a heartbeat!
If all it took was for a stranger to say “hey, lighten up”, that would be amazing.
The thing is, that really doesn’t help. The exact opposite happens. What you’re doing when you offer these platitudes is placing yet another boulder on our shoulders. Making it our fault that we are the way we are, that we could change at will if only we wanted to.
A simple way to avoid this is to refrain from offering solutions to a perceived problem unless you’re actually asked.
I’m sure I’m guilty of doing it myself, we could all do better.
I’ll add this final part just because I know I would love to hear that someone else experience these things too. I’ve been through this so many times now that it’s become my normal and I know that I won’t pass out and nothing horrible will happen. If you’re “new” in the game of anxiety, I hope you can find some comfort in that. You’ll be fine, it’ll get a little bit easier to handle every time.
What will happen on Tuesday, the night of the show opening, is this.
I will be stressed all day, my muscles will be tense, especially in the back and neck. I will force myself to go to the venue where I will become incredibly aware of every single thing happening in my body. I will find it hard to walk normally, stand, sit, talk, breathe. I will bring my camera to act as a buffer between myself and the outside world, taking pictures and experiencing the night through the viewfinder. I will hope that no one approaches me but I’ll be happy when they do.
That doesn’t make sense, you think? Nope, it doesn’t to me either.
I’ll try so hard to act normal, to the point where I forget what normal looks like.
When I’m finally home again I’ll get a “high” and be incredibly happy that I did it, then I’ll crash.
I’ll be exhausted, mentally and physically, for days, I’ll most likely have a horrendous headache from the tension in the neck when I wake up the next morning and it’ll last all day. I’ll spend weeks going over every minute in my head and think of all the things I should have done differently.
I’m not sure why I’m even writing this post, maybe it’s just a way for me personally to sort my thoughts or maybe it’s because I know for sure that there are many others out there who’ll recognise themselves in this.
This post doesn’t offer any solutions, no remedies, no quick fixes, just words.
I sometimes find comfort in being reminded of the fact that I’m not alone. There are countless others sharing these issues and experiences so I guess I hope that someone out there might find some comfort in this.